


Secrets and Waffles

by treble



Category: Happy Endings (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 11:33:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2810645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/treble/pseuds/treble
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in a near future after Pete and Penny have reconciled: someone has a secret. the group doesn't DO secrets. A classic gang hang as Max attempts to restore proper brunch etiquette. with a dollop of romance on top.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secrets and Waffles

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pasdexcuses](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pasdexcuses/gifts).



> Hi pasdexcuses! I know this isn't exactly what you requested but I really hope it works for you! I'd LOVE to continue this, so if you remotely enjoy it, look out for a sequel! Happy Yuletide!!
> 
> Thanks to K, S and M for providing me with validation, because I need a LOT of validation/end Jane voice. All comments welcome and appreciated.

"EVERYONE STOP TALKING.” Max abruptly slammed his beer down on the table and narrowed his eyes at the assembled group. “Someone here is hiding a secret. I can smell it.”

Brad clapped, “Yesss. I love this game.”

“Oh c’mon, Max,” Dave scoffed, “are you sure the smell isn’t wafting from you? It’s December and we all know this is when you stop showering for the winter.” 

“Normally,” Max shrugged, ”you’d be correct. Last year at this time, I already held the record for the longest I’d ever gone without bathing.”

“We remember,” the group chimed in unison.

“Still can’t get that one Max-stain out of my Brunello Cucinelli throw pillow,” Jane mumbled, throwing back the rest of her vodka.

Max rolled his eyes, gesturing broadly, “But THIS YEAR, I decided to try something new. I invested in scented bath wash. I even own a real loofah - not that one I was using made out of a hanger and a roll of bubble wrap.”

Alex leaned in to sniff his armpit. “Hint of pomegranate, with a dash of, is that mango? Man, I could really use some cheesecake.”

“Well, son-of-a-gun,” Brad shook his head wistfully.

Max preened. “Impressed, right? A little proud?” 

“I mean, I’m a little shocked you bought soap without me, but it’s fine, we’re cool. I’m happy for you, man. Hey, wait,” Brad furrowed his brow, “Is this because you saw Grant on the street the other day? I still can’t believe you didn’t even say hi to him. It’s been over three years! And that guy was so cool.”

Around the table rang out “so cool,” “the greatest, really,” and Dave’s sullen, “ugh, terrible hair gel application.”

“I didn’t say hi because I was wearing pajama pants, if you must know. It was not,” Max emphasized, “because he happened to look intimidatingly perfect and was with someone who I could tell smelled like waffles. And in a good way. I just can’t compete with that.”

Alex scrunched up her nose. “Is it possible to smell like a bad waffle?”

“Ugh,” Max shuddered, “seven grain.” 

Brad looked thoughtful. “Did you see Waffles from the front?”

“No, only the back and I’ll concede,” Max shrugged, “I would not want to Leggo that Eggo.”

The table groaned. “Eh, not your best, man,” Dave offered.

“Whatever. You come up with a waffle joke on the spot.”

“Anyway,” Jane interjected, rubbing Brad’s arm, “let’s continue to address how our over 30-year old friend finally purchased a basic toiletry item found in the shower stalls of even the dirtiest of American prisons. Nicely done, Max!”

“Thanks, sarcastic Jane!” Max drawled, “So! Now that we’ve cleared that up, we can return to my initial accusation.” He slammed both hands down on the table in time with his words, “SOMEONE. HAS. A. SECRET.”

Jane abruptly leaned away from Brad and the group began systematically trading suspicious glances.

“Oh c’mon,” Max snapped, “you guys are so dumb. Do I have to solve everything around here? While you were all debating my currently stellar hygiene, I was cracking the case, which could not be more obvious by now.”

Jane smirked, “Well, don’t let us slow you down, Fatlock.”

“Yes, please proceed Fatrick Jane,” said Dave.

“I’m sorry,” Max interrupted “Did Dave just make a joke referring _The Mentalist_? Are we not going to pile on for that?”

Dave tossed his bangs and began tearing up his napkin. “Whatever. Sometimes you just need something to relax to and I just, I’m invested in Jane and Lisbon. And honestly, you know what, FUCK YOU, MAX. Yesterday, you watched 10 hours of _True Life: I think I’m a Dog_.”

“Ugh, love that show. Respect.” Alex pounded her fist to her chest and then pointed it toward Max.

“ASSHOLES, JUST SHUT UP AND NOTICE PENNY HAS NOT SAID A WORD SINCE WE STARTED TALKING ABOUT THIS.”

The group immediately turned to Penny accusingly. 

“A-HA,” exclaimed Brad.

Penny giggled nervously. “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? That’s not true. That’s ridiculous, even! You know me. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut with a roll of duct tape and a tube of super glue. I’m just all blab blab blab all day long! Just blabbering - a little this, a little that,” She performed a little shimmy. “You guys just couldn’t hear me over the general banter, which, as always, continues to be the delight of my every day. You all,” She began to sniffle, “You all are my true hearts, did you know that? The Jen Garners to my Affleck, the-“ 

Max clucked loudly. “Sacrilegious, Penny. How dare you.”

“Sacri-what?” Alex whispered.

“I heard it on _Top Chef_. It means she’s telling lies on top of lies. Dishonoring this table, our very favorite table at Rosalita’s. Vomiting all over it with her lies. Penny, Penny, Penny. You stupid, stupid woman child.”

Penny abruptly stopped sniffling and grimaced. “Woman child? Seriously, Max? What does that even mean?”

Alex frowned, “You do have weirdly small hands.”

“I think it means child-like woman,” Dave offered, “like Drew Barrymore. Or actually, maybe more like La Lohan.”

Penny gasped. “How dare you, sir!”

Dave raised an eyebrow at Penny. 

Penny grinned back, “JK, I’ll totally take it. Guys, she is really pulling her life back together.”

“THIS IS IRRELEVANT,” Max barked. “God, it’s like shepherding drunk turkeys.” 

Max turned to Penny, closing the distance between them. Simultaneously, the rest of the group leaned in, all peering closely at her. 

“Next round on me?” Penny offered weakly.

The group remained silent. 

“You’re right; I totally should have told you all that…” Penny took a deep breath, “ I cut my own bangs!”

“Peen-elope,” Max interrupted.

The group stared at Penny. 

Penny stared at the group.

“FINE! Fine,” she exploded. “Twist my arm,” she mimicked the motion, making an exaggerated puppy dog face. “Just know that by telling you this secret, I’m likely sacrificing all my chances at future happiness.”

The group remained silent.

“But if that’s what you really want…” she trailed off. 

“Wow, Penny. Strom Thurmond called. He wants his record for longest filibuster back,” Dave pointed a finger gun at her with an exaggerated smile.

Jane sighed, “For the fifth time, Strom Thurmond is dead. And don’t make political jokes. You’re bad at it. Now Penny,” Jane turned toward her with a sickly smile on her face, “I’m going to count to three and I promise you” she enunciated, “no one at this table will be able to look you in the eye for at least a week if I make it to three.”

Brad growled softly. 

“One.” Jane’s smile grew a little. 

“Two.” The smile took on a slightly feral quality. 

“Th-”

“PETE AND I GOT ENGAGED AGAIN AND IN THREE WEEKS WE ARE GOING TO ELOPE IN PUERTO RICO.” Penny took a deep breath and smiled. “Wow guys, thanks! I do feel better.”

The group stared at her in shock. Then, simultaneously, everyone burst out in conversation. 

Alex's voice was tinged with awe, “I can’t believe you didn’t tell us this, partly because we’re your best friends! But also mostly, I’m so impressed, Penny, because I’m assuming you kept that a secret for longer than an hour-”

“Real talk, it’s been a really long two days,” Penny interrupted solemnly.

“Wow…” Alex’s jaw dropped open. “Congratulations. On the secret keeping. And also the engagement. Bring home a lot of mofongo? Mashed plantains and bacon, oh my!” She began to do the robot with her arms. 

“You are such a weirdo,” Penny pet her fondly. 

“Eloping? Eloping?!” Jane’s voice had been steadily increasing in pitch, now so high that the bartenders were glancing over in concern. 

“Oh no, Jane’s going to blow.” Brad tried to push the group back a safe distance. 

“No, I mean it’s fiiiiine,” Jane squeaked out. “It’s not like I spent every hour of every day planning your first wedding to Pete. Considering how that turned out, of COURSE you wouldn’t want me included.”

“Jane – ” Penny sighed.

“Oh man, this is so much better than I expected,” Max slapped Dave on the back cheerfully. “I mean, I didn’t actually think she had a secret. I was just trying to start shit because our conversation was so fucking boring. You guys were talking about the podiatrist. We’re having brunch. There are lines and they should not be crossed.”

“Guys, guys, look,” Penny glanced around the table, making eye contact with everyone, “You know how much I’d love you all to be there. You’re my family! Even when you are terrible, awful, just really horrific people.”

“Aww, we love you too Pen.” Alex handed her a handful of cocktail napkins she had folded in the shape of flowers. 

“The thing is, I’m so happy Pete and I were able to get back together and make things work. Because without that time apart, I wouldn’t be as certain as I am now. And I am totes certain now. But since we already tried the whole big wedding thang, I think Pete feels like, 'hey! let’s ditch the stresseroo!' And just do it the way he always wanted. Just us, on a beach, alone. And I think that’s incredibly tragic and sad, but also super fair.”

Brad tilted his glass toward Penny, “Of course. We’ll just be bummed to miss it.”

“Yes, you’re right! It was just surprising! I’m so sorry for reacting poorly, Penny. Congratulations!” Jane said sincerely, reaching out and placing her hand on Penny’s arm. 

“You guys are 100% going to crash my elopement aren’t you.” Penny asked, resigned.

Jane leaned in, “Wouldn’t it be easier for you if you didn't know any details? But just know, the after party is going to be hella amazing.”

“Hella, Jane?” Max scoffed.

“But, Penny,” Jane ignored Max “tiny question: This time, if you _were_ going to have a real wedding, and you _had_ to choose a maid of honor out of someone at this table, who would it be?” She folded her arms and with a slight shrug of her shoulders added, “No pressure – of course.”

“Jane,” Max sighed, “your brain is being super blond because of COURSE it would be me, though I would respectfully decline, because no one is calling me a Gay of -” 

Brad interrupted, “Wait, wouldn’t you get to be called the Man of Honor? And that sounds like the title to a Zorro sequel.”

Jane glared at Brad. 

“-Which sounds terrible,” he continued, “just really really horrible. Who wants a sword and a dagger?”

“And a bullwhip,” added Alex suggestively.

Max rubbed his chin, “That DOES sound like me.”

Penny put both hands up in the air, “Ok, ha ha. What a totally useless question so not worth speculating about! You’re all my best maids and men.” 

She tried to reach around the table for a series of high fives, but both Jane and Max continued to stare at her intently, while Dave was busy fishing fruit out of the bottom of his sangria. Penny sighed, “Guys! Let’s go back to talking about how Max’s love life is again in shambles. So Max, from a scale of 1-10, how cool did Grant seem?”

“I mean, obviously a 10, Penny,” Max sputtered. “And obviously it sent me down a life spiral, and obviously I spent all night cuddling with those stuffed horses I have that are my last relic of our relationship. But don’t think your petty question will distract us from getting an answer!”

Jane groaned, “I thought you didn’t even want to be in her wedding party!”

“Yes, but now you don't want me to care, so I’m getting fired up!”

“I’m not choosing between you all on who would be my hypothetical best person.”

Jane and Max rolled their eyes and turned to each other. “Well,” Max started, “Dave is out because he’s got sangria mouth.”

“Hey!” Dave protested.

“Brad is out because I just told him he is,” Jane snapped.

“No, I’m out because **I** decided I was out,” Brad mumbled.

Jane continued, “And Alex,” Max and Jane looked over at Alex, who was munching on some cold french fries while watching them intently. “Alex could present a challenge but she’s too weak emotionally. We could take her.”

Alex shrugged and continued chewing on her fries.

“You know what this means?” Jane said gleefully.

The group groaned.

“Oh yay,” Dave mocked, “yet another one of those dumb competitions the two of you have where the stakes are incredibly low and we all get incredibly bored.”

“YOU SHUT YOUR FOOLISH MOUTH!” Max roared. “We lost two good sweaters in the competition of 2012. Two great sweaters.”

Penny rolled her eyes. “Just as long as you’re both aware that whatever you’re about to do means absolutely nothing to anything or anyone, anywhere.”

Jane wiggled her way out of the booth and grabbed Max by his shirt collar, then turned an assessing eye at the table. “We’ll need this, and this.” She grabbed a bowl of cocktail peanuts and a handful of straws. 

She turned to walk toward the dart board but before she even took a step she abruptly stopped, causing Max to bump into her and spilling peanuts everywhere.

“Wait,” Jane hissed, reaching behind to slap Max, “Isn’t that Grant by the entrance?”

“Fuck, it is! And dammit, that’s definitely Waffles again. TURN AROUND, MAN. LET ME JUDGE YOU AND FIND YOUR FACE WANTING.”

“Wait,” Penny leaned over, “Sit back down! You guys are blocking the view and I wanna see a delectable set of waffles. I’m getting married soon, not giving up gluten.”

“Well, now I regret ever getting us started with the waffle jokes.” Max collapsed back into the booth. 

“Um,” Penny started laughing as soon as she spotted the pair, “so I see Grant, who yes, looks as amazing as ever. And the guy next to him, the one we can only see the back of, you’ve named him Waffles? And you’re sure that’s him?”

“Yes, thank you Penny for your extremely helpful recap of the situation,” Max snarled.

“Yeah, you’re an idiot; that’s definitely Pete.”

“What?!” the table responded collectively.

“Hellurrr. In about three weeks I’m committing the rest of my life to that man. I never want to Leggo those Eggos so hard Imma put a ring on it.”

“No way,” Max shook his head. “I would have recognized Pete’s waffles. And besides, how would Pete and Grant know each other? Unless…”

Brad gasped, “You think Pete’s on the low?”

“It would explain why he’s been willing to marry Penny, twice. She is the ultimate beard.”

“Hey, too far.” Penny scowled.

Max nodded, “Yeah, that one maybe felt like it was going to a no-no place.”

Jane rolled her eyes as she firmly returned the straws and remaining cocktail peanuts to the table. “Well, there’s only one way to find out.”

“Jane, no!” Max whispered angrily. But Jane was already making her way over to the entrance where Grant and Pete appeared to be engaged in conversation. 

“I can’t look, what’s happening?” Max muttered, his face in his hands.

“The amount of handsome at this table is definitely about to get a major boost,” Brad offered.

“What?!” Max asked.

“They’re both coming over here,” Dave explained, somehow having refilled his sangria glass with a mysteriously appearing sangria pitcher. 

“Hi, babe!” Penny said brightly, standing up to kiss Pete on the cheek. “There’s nothing unusual going on here. We have discussed normal things that totally normal people discuss, like podiatrists and orthopedists, and, and…”

“Um, okay.” Pete looked bemused. “Is someone having a foot issue?”

“Ha! Ha. Right? That’s definitely it.” Penny laughed excessively. “This is why you are the man I love.” Pete narrowed his eyes at her while she kissed him on the nose. 

Jane aggressively gestured to Pete’s left with her head. 

“Oh!” Penny noticed Grant standing slightly behind Pete. “Oh my goodness! Is that Grant? Still radiating coolness with the effortless ease of a young George Clooney.”

“Duh doy,” Brad laughed. “Didn’t you notice the lighting in this part of the room just got better? It’s the Grant Factor!

“Hi, Grant," Alex offered with a small wave. 

“Hi everyone,” responded Grant with a huge smile, his eyes lingering on Max, who had yet to make direct eye contact. 

“So…” Penny began to toy with Pete’s lapel, “How do you two know each other? Because whoa!” She threw her hands up, “I mean really, WHOA. What a small world, right?”

Pete tugged at a lock of her hair. “Yeah, I had no idea you guys knew Grant until just now when Jane came up to say hi. I was actually bringing him here to introduce you guys, since he recently moved back into Chicago after a few years away and could use some new friends.”

“Guilty,” Grant smiled shyly. 

“Again, though, how do you two know each other?” Jane frowned. 

“I’ll field that,” Grant pulled up two chairs and offered one to Pete, placing his own next to where Max was sitting. “We met during an Ayahuasca Tea Ceremony.”

“Of course,” Dave nodded. “Ah-a-whisker.” 

Grant grinned. “Right. As I’m sure you know, it’s a tea that brings on psychedelic visions and sounds. I spent a week working with a shaman in Peru, trying to use the visions to better understand where I ought to be directing my life. Pete was there the same time I was. We’ve kept in touch ever since.”

“You went on a psychedelic tea quest?” Penny looked at Pete in surprise.

“It was on the anniversary of the failed merger, right before we got back in touch,” Pete shrugged. “I puked for five days straight,” he recalled fondly.

“Failed merger is what they insist we call the cancelled wedding,” Max whispered to Grant, looking up at him for the first time.

“Thanks,” Grant responded warmly. “Hey, how have you been?”

“I’ve been good. Really good, actually. I’ve got something that could almost be considered a real job.”

“Really?”

“Well, only kind of. And only for like, a couple months out of the year. But I don't hate it.”

Grant laughed. “Good. I was concerned you had changed too drastically because you definitely smell like pomegranate right now and it’s throwing me. But I like it.”

Grant glanced around the table where everyone was still discussing Pete’s vision quest before turning back to Max, speaking so suddenly and quietly that Max could barely make out his words, “Hey, I’m sorry I never got back in touch with you.” 

“It’s okay,” Max replied nonchalantly before taking on a more serious tone, “I wouldn’t have known what to say at the time.”

Dave loudly cleared his throat while looking at Grant suspiciously. “How did you not realize he was bringing you to meet us though?” He leaned back, cockily, “We’re a pretty unique group of people.”

Pete raised his hand, “That’s on me. You guys are a little difficult to describe. I may have just called you, ‘a quirky but lovable assortment of folks.’”

“Aww, you called us lovable!” Penny grinned.

Grant chuckled, “I should have gotten it from that description, so it’s really my fault.”

“Yup, still charming as hell,” Brad sighed.

“So, what were you guys doing before we got here?” Pete asked.

“Same old, a-same old,” Jane responded in an old timey voice. 

“Nothing, nothing at all,” Penny laughed loudly.

“Jane and Max were about to compete to see who would be Penny’s best person if you guys were having a real wedding and not eloping,” Alex stated matter-a-factly. 

“Alex!” Penny snapped.

“Knock knock,” Brad knocked on Alex’s head, “anyone home, dumb dumb?”

Pete sighed loudly, “No offense, Jane. You know I think you are the greatest. I have honestly never had cooking as good as yours.”

Jane gave a humble bow.

“But,” Pete continued, “It would pretty obviously be Max. He’s her platonic life partner.”

“Ha! In your face!” Max laughed at Jane. He threw a handful of the remaining cocktail peanuts at her, while tossing casual glances back at Grant.

“You little shit,” Jane growled at Max.

“Wait, you’re not mad?” Penny asked Pete.

“Mad?” Pete rubbed her cheek with his thumb. “I’m amazed you made it two days! It means a lot to me that you tried.”

“I did! I really did! They were monsters getting it out of me.”

“Besides, I was going to surprise you anyway. I bought them all plane tickets so they could join us in Puerto Rico. It was going to be my wedding present to you. I can’t go through with the big wedding again, but I don’t want to deprive you of having your family with you. Just like I’m also inviting my brothers, and also Grant, because when he helped me clean up my puke on day 3 of that psychedelic trip, he became part of my family.”

“Awww,” the group sighed in unison.

“HOORAY! We’re going to Puerto Rico! We’re going to Puerto Rico!” Brad wiggled in place, performing some kind of conga.

With the rest of the table seemingly occupied, Grant leaned back toward Max. “So, your platonic life partner is getting married, huh." 

Max darted a glance over at Penny and Pete. She was calmer than Max could remember seeing her in years. "I suppose so. Honestly, I'm glad they patched things up. She was fine the first months after they split, but after that pretty quickly began to spiral about having walked away from," Max used air quotes, "'her person.' I mean, it's all pretty lame and dumb but I'm glad I'm not going to have to take care of her as she gets older and less entertaining. So yeah, I'm happy for them." 

Grant offered a wry smile. "And now, Puerto Rico. Oh boy, the last time I was there, I went cave diving off the southern coast and met an amazing group of Chilean nuns." Max nodded warily before Grant continued, "But this time, I was thinking it would be nice to just relax."

"I was thinking," Max said hesitantly, "it's probably stupid but it might be amazing to retrace the steps of Road Rules season 4." 

"Huh, I wouldn't have thought of it, but I think that's a great idea," Grant responded. "Consider me in! If that's okay. Maybe not the all time hottest cast, but it had a little something for everyone. Except Erika. I never cared much for Erika." 

"Exactly! You just get it."

They smiled at each other and Grant blushed slightly. 

The two glanced up to see the rest of the table either occupied in prying more elopement details out of Pete and Penny, or at least doing their best to pretend they weren’t eavesdropping.

Suddenly, "Would you now, I mean, know what to say?” Grant asked urgently. His face was so open Max had to look away. 

Max took a deep breath and looked back at Grant with a hesitant smile, “I think I’d have a better idea, at least.”

Grant’s smile was radiant, “Me too. I missed you, you know. And I’m back in Chicago, indefinitely.”

Max looked up to catch Pete eyeing them both with a satisfied grin. Max rolled his eyes but under the table, he found Grant’s hand and gave it a quick squeeze. When he went to pull away, Grant instead slowly laced his fingers through his. 

“Alright,” Pete was clearly exasperated with the table's conversation, “we can continue talking about this elopement that’s becoming more like a mini wedding but in the meanwhile, can we get some more menus?” He gestured for the waitress. “I would kill for some waffles right now. Oww! Penny!” Pete frowned and moved a hand to rub where she had just pinched him on the ass.

“You guys! This is going to be so fun.” Penny was bouncing in her seat. “Just think-”

The doors to Rosalita’s suddenly flung open. “HO.LY. SHIT!” Derrick exclaimed. “Did I JUST hear you bitches are getting married and aren’t inviting me? Slow your roll. DRAMAAAAA!”


End file.
